Photo by Next to Me Studios
Photo by Next to Me Studios

Last week my boss popped into my office to use our printer and found my wedding invitation sitting on my officemate’s desk.  “Girl!” she cried, “You’re getting married?!?” I make it a point to keep my personal life under lock and key at the work place so I hadn’t mentioned it. Since I come in contact with very few people during the work day, I imagined getting all the way down to the week prior to our big day without telling anyone.  I would just return the next week – poof! – married.

My boss gushed the way I think most girls always hope their girlfriends will when they hear such happy news.  It was sweet. I had the opportunity to smile and glow and bask in the glory of the engaged.

Instead, I acted like it was no big deal, in fact, I acted like it was a huge pain in the ass.

“When did you get engaged?” she asked, genuinely interested.  “Oh…(pause)…March.”  As if I had forgotten the one-of-a-kind proposal that Jeremy orchestrated on stage for me in front of all of my friends and family.  And then I kept talking to fill the awkward space I had no idea what to do with, “We’re just…it’s a short engagement…we just want to get it over with so we can move on with life…you know, it’s nothing…it’s like, whatever.”

She stopped gushing and looked right at me, “Well, that’s romantic.”  The sarcasm couldn’t have been thicker.

She finished up what she came into my office for and left me sitting in a pile of shit.  Yep, shit.  I shat all over my own wedding.

I realized I had actually been shitting on my wedding for quite some time.  Tongue-in-cheek comments about my fiancee’s charming decor suggestions turned into all out complain sessions to anyone who asked.  Complain, complain, complain, sigh, roll eyes, complain some more.

Complaining is a very seductive thing.  Once you start, it’s really hard to stop.  Complaining is cathartic in all the wrong ways.  Letting one out can feel so good.  And even if it took some coaxing to get it out, once your complaint has been released you realize what a burden it had been carrying it around.  Lord help the complainer who has a captive audience!  Because once the first has been set free, others are sure to follow.

As soon as you mention you’re engaged the knowing nods and streams of advice roll out. Everyone talks about how hard it is to plan a wedding.  They say it brings up all kinds of issues you didn’t know were lying dormant, just waiting for you to plan the biggest party of your life so they can make themselves known.

Then, let the eye rolling begin.

I am not the bride-to-be who’s been dreaming of her wedding since she was four.  When I got engaged, I didn’t know what kind of dress I’d wear: mermaid, princess, vintage, funky, glamourous, or whimsical.  I had no idea what kind of bride I would be–DIY, green chic, alternative, or classic.

In the early stages of planning I scanned Pintrest trying to figure it all out. Wedding veterans and wedding hopefuls did something remarkable–they got me excited.  Discovering images women everywhere have been compiling for their own dream weddings lit a fire in me.  Finally, I was excited to plan and craft and imagine and create my dream wedding.  I may not have been dreaming this wedding since I was four. But I did begin dreaming of it the moment I met Jeremy and finally it didn’t feel like a dirty little secret.  It felt amazing.  It felt fun.

Seeing my boss’ excitement sink into a puddle of crap made me realize how much I was giving up by allowing myself to be seduced by the eye-roll.  I had the chance to [metaphorically] jump up and down and squeal with glee because I was marrying the most amazing man in the world.  I passed it up to roll my eyes! Somehow, all the trying to please everyone and money worrying and arguing about colors, tradition, ceremony, and guest lists seemed stupid.  Stupid because they were zapping all the joy out of the only wedding I’ll every plan to the only man I’ll ever marry.

I decided right then and there that I would enjoy planning a wedding. When anyone asks me if I’m excited, I’ll say, “Oh my goodness, yes!  I’m soooo excited!  I can’t wait!  I’m planning the biggest party of my life.  It’s so fun!  I love it and I love him and I’m the luckiest girl in the world!”

Now, we are exactly two months away from our wedding day.  Yes, we have invoices to check.  But we also have songs to choose, flowers to select, clothes to try on, and dinners to plan.  I couldn’t be happier. And when it’s all said and done, I’ll be married to my best friend.  You can’t beat that.

1 Comment

1 Comment on Rolling Eyes and Heavy Sighs

  1. Dianne Santilli
    July 5, 2013 at 3:09 am (6 years ago)

    I am sooo happy for you and love the fact that you are marrying your Best Friend…like you said can’t get better than that!!


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